This more than I can handle.

This feeling so overwhelming. I hate it.

I have never been so confused in all my life. I try my hardest to do the best I can, to do what I think is right and to be a good friend and person but I seem to get nothing. I don't know what else is left to do. 

It was so sudden.  I thought all was great ... well, all was great. Then faster than I ever would have thought, things changed. Right when they were suppose to get good. What do I do? I have no idea and that is the worst part. I need things to be good again, there is no reason why it shouldn't be. 

If I had energy to cry, I think I would. 

It wasn't really mine anyway.

Today was beautiful day and I had nothing to do so I went for a walk downtown. A pretty normal activity, right? Well today it wasn't, which was nice. 

I had been out enjoying the sunshine for about an hour when I saw woman walking up the down the busy street with a sign that read "Homeless and hungry, please help" also nothing uncommon for this city. The downtown is crawling with people asking for money, but as I walked by, seeing her sad face I could hear this "Stop and help" in my head (God? Most likely). "But there are so many people begging, I can't help them all". But I can help some. I know I have a lot, way more than she probably does, but I walked on by anyway, but when I got the corner of the street, I stopped and sat down, I literally could not go on, but parting with my cash was hard as well. Now it is not like I have never given money to the homeless before, but nothing more than a dollar, and today I felt different. I watched her, walk up and the down the block, holding her sign out the on-coming traffic. Being down the street from the American Embassy, next to the most expensive hotel in the city and less than a block away from the federal government buildings, the cars that drove by were, well lets say "expensive", and the drivers were pretty well-off too, most of them tried to act like they did not see this poor woman, but the ones who could not keep there eyes away just shrugged and drove on.  No one would help. 

I know we saw, "they will just use it for drugs anyway", but do we know that for sure? It is certain some of them do but, but a lot are just genuinely in-need and embarrassed to be asking for help, but they feel hopeless.  Was she a drug addict, I really do not think she was, but who I am to judge? All I am here for is to help others, not judge them when they are down.

So I walked up to her and she smiled as we passed, saying nothing, probably knowing I was young and hard on cash myself. This was my second clue she was for real ("the voice" being the first). So I stopped her and asked how she was doing, about to cry at this point she said "not well, I just got kicked out of my apartment and have been living on the street for a few days and have nothing to eat and no where to go". I talked to her for a bit about herself, asked her some questions and then she said shyly "do have any change, I am really hungry?". I smiled and said yes as I pulled my wallet from my bag. 

Why is she so embarrassed to ask? If anything I should be embarrassed for thinking about walking by, me with my new clothes, cell phone, iPod and digital camera with me, and her with nothing but the clothes she had on and an empty stomach. No, I am not rich but I can afford to help out. 

I handed her a relatively large bill, (or in my eye's the equivalent to an American Apparel deep V shirt), she looked at me before taking it, there was no greed in her. She leaped up to my height and kissed my cheek as she wrapped her arms around me. "Thank you, thank you and God Bless you" she said to me. I wished her well, said I hoped things worked out for her and told her to go get something to eat before giving her another hug and walking away. 

As I walked away, I turned my iPod on to random and what song came on? Well this is what I heard, coming from my "Flash-dance" soundtrack. 

"All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride"

"I can't have it all"

"What a feeling!"

Yes, what a feeling it was, to be that for someone, it made my day even more than I think it made hers. What a feeling indeed. 

What does one do (think)?

I am so excited to be here, I love the action, I love the excitement of the city. I love the freedom and independence. I love the culture here, it is a great place to be. 

So why am I sad right now. I am not miserable enough yet to want to go home. But I miss people there so much. So much more than I would have ever thought. So much more than I can even explain. It is a feeling I cannot even explain to myself. Why did I let myself get so attached to some of those people when I new I would be leaving? Probably because I know they are truly great people and I love them. I would not trade what we had for anything. It was an absolutely amazing time, ever time. Thinking I will never find a group of friends like that is what makes me the most sad. I have some really good and genuine friends here, but they are much more sparse than the loved ones I have at home. 

I am too much of a people person for this right now. I love to be with people. It is impossible for me to have too much time around family and friends, they are so important to me. I want to see them so badly right now, but what do I do? I need to see them, I need to here from them, I need to be in contact with them, I want to know how they are and what they are doing. I get comfort in simply knowing they are all still well. 

Do not get me wrong, I like to be alone now and then and I don't expect my friends to be in constant contact with me. I know this not realistic and I know moving away was a good choice in the long-run. I couldn't keep living in that comfortable and protective (and loving) bubble my whole life. I needed to get out, be on my own and experience the world in a new way. 

But is sure is hard, having to do it alone a lot of the time. 

I am happy mostly, I love this place, I love the people I know here, but all people cycle, this is just a time of sadness. 

I will get better soon...right? 

Sept 13th Post Revised

It is coming faster than I had originally thought. 

Lace.

For grannies.

For goths.

For babies.

For brides.

For triple X underwear.

For tea party doilies.

When is it appropriate?

This confuses me.

Use good judgement. 

???

I do not know what to do about it.

I do not know what to think about it.

I am unsure what the problem even is. 

Is it okay or am I now okay?

I wish I knew, but only I can know. 

What is a video?

Friendship.

It means different things for a lot of people, but friendship is one of the most important things to me and I love my friends and family dearly. So what do I think a good friendship entails?

Friendship is about love, it is a different kind of love than that of a spouse or a children, but it is definite love. Friendship is when you know you can count on the other person to be there for you in bad times: not abandoning you when things get "uncomfortable". A friend should accept who you are 100%, but be able to see areas where you can improve and be willing to challenge you to become a better person, friends need to also be able to handle constructive criticism, knowing the other is only doing with the best intentions. Friendship is about sharing laughter and tears. Friendship is about creating lasting bonds and unforgetable memories. Friendship is wanting to understand the person and being interested in learning more about them, once the obvious is known, true friends want to dig deeper. Friendship is about doing anything for the other person (within reason or course), even when you don't want to, you do it because you know it is important to your friend, and seeing them happy should make you happy. Friendship is about being genuinely glad seeing the other succeed, even if you yourself have failed. Friendship is when you know you can count on the person to help you, no matter what the problem, and when they truly have no advice, a friend is just a listener, (which for me is good enough). A friend is someone who you do not have to hide yourself from, you know you can be yourself completely, because friends do not judge. A friend is not jealous and they delight in your life. A friend should make you happy but good times are not what is all about. Friends are important to everyone, I take my "job" of friend very seriously, spending a lot of time making sure I can be the best type of friend possible. I want to help my friends grow and find themselves and I hope my friends can do the same for me, we were created to be there for one another and I have been blessed to have many people who are there for me. 

Growing up.

It is a balance between being happy to be on your own, making your own decisions and being sad that you have to leave behind stability and often people you love. 

I love most of this life.

I love all of that life.

But I knew it was time to move on from it. 

You just have to give up certain things sometimes in order to gain other things. Deciding which ones are more important is the hardest part. 

I hope I do not become lonely, I am not lonely yet and do not think I will become lonely, but it still worries me. 

Disappointing

This season menswear collection put out by Prada was a disappointing disaster. Mixing over-sized sports jackets and dress shirts of the same colour, with synthetic short-shorts never look good. It honestly reminded of those kids in high-school who try so hard to be crazy with their clothes because they just want so badly to be different, but have no idea how to fashionably put garments together in new and interesting ways, which make them different, Instead they think the more outrageous, the better. Well this is not true in high-school and it was not true on Prada's runway. The type of shorts they were modeling were probably something your weird uncle would have purchased second hand in the early 90's to go jogging in with his neon walkman and high top runners with mismatched laces. This is not what I expect from a designer collection.  

Sadness. 

Over?

This will not be the end. 

It is just a short break. 

I love you. 

Tears.

Isn't holding back a cry when you know you want to just as phony as if someone pretended they were crying without meaning it?

Fashion must.

Combine trendy articles with classic garments for a interesting, but not over-the-top look. 

You'll be sure to turn heads. 

I heard that a million times...

"There is nothing wrong with drinking"

Okay, but there is also nothing wrong with not drinking.

"I don't think smoking weed is that bad"

But neither is not smoking it.

"Having sex is okay"

Okay maybe, but not having it is definitely okay too. 

Lets both be understanding. Thanks.